YOUR AWAKENING

I recently came across this piece as I was helping a friend clean up her apartment. The paper was worn with time and falling apart so I re-typed it. I don't know who the author is but I thought it was great enough to re-publish here. Check it out. I think you will appreciate it.

XDC 2011 - Shadow Self Light Self - Acrylic on Paper 30"x30"

 

 YOUR AWAKENING

A time comes in your life when you finally GET IT… when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out ENOUGH!
 
Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And you blink back and your tears and being to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You come to terms with the fact that you are neither Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale ending (Or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after: must begin with you and in the process, a sense of the serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s ok. They are entitled to their own view and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of the new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are, to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties. And in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You being to sift through all the junk you been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear and what you should be doing for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of who you love, and what you owe your family, and friends.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you being reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you being to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, its’ not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that the martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.

You learn to look a relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

And you learn that alone does not meant lonely.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect – and you won’t settle for less.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve…and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone…and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primitive state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take granted – things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower…and real friends.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less that your heart’s desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and faith by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

Visioning – 5 tips for Planning a Banging New Year

2012 is coming round the corner lightening fast. I love the Holiday’s and the ramp down/ramp up of the New Year. For the heavily time-based - It’s a great milestone marker and opportunity to look ahead. 

I decided recently that I wouldn’t spend my time obsessing about the end of the Mayan calendar or climate change for that matter. Instead I’m going to put my energy into being proactive and planning for the best outcomes possible. Yes, I believe in miracles.

We all came here with some ideas about what we would like to do with ourselves, what role we would like to play out on life’s great stage. I’m glad not everyone wants what I want. There is enough to go around. There is enough for everyone to realize the dreams they came to the planet with and create their own happiness.

The New Year seems like a good time to assess if you’re on target with your vision for yourself. It’s also a good time to get your plan together so you can actually get more of what you want in the next 365 days.

Here are 5 tips to getting started:

I. Ask Yourself – “Self, who am I?” – Assuming you have a fair understand of who you are and what you like and or love.  This test might be useful if you have only scratched the very tip of your iceberg. There are lots of test like this too. Sometimes it also helps to know what inspires you. This 2 hour video was pretty inspiring to me. Especially the part about tithing. I put that on my goal list for 2012.

This is pretty obvious but there are a few other things I find helpful to the process of figuring out what you want. They include: Meditating, exercising and deliberate breathing - when you’re done getting yourself pumped up get some paper, pencils or crayons and do a good brainstorming session. 
 

An old vision board I made - Still relevant for me.

II.  Set a goal:  Don’t be scared Y.O.L.O (You Only Live Once) people - maybe we come back - I don't know - but in case you don't– Reach for the stars today. No goal is too big.  Set that bar high and make it a fun game to reach. Setting the goal higher will produce growth. For 2012 I know what I want:  More sex, more fun, more art making and more writing about all the great sex and great art I'm making. Sound good? Make a vision board to help you stay focused. Put it someplace you can look at it every day. Check out Penelope’s Blog – for a few shortcuts to some common goals.


III. Make a plan:  There are plenty of tools out there once you set those awesome goals.  I started using SuperViva some years ago.  I made a list and check it at least twice a year.  My good friend and inspiring human being Susie started the project. She also wrote an interesting piece on making a goal lists. There’s also this new site another great friend and artist Mary Mihelic is involved with called moteevateeme. I haven’t used it yet but it looks like it will definitely help anyone move a mountain. I am considering using it to help me with an interactive book I want to make.
 
IV. Make a determination to overcome ANY and EVERY obstacle. Because…there will be obstacles. You know that right??? 

V.  Nuff said - Go get em tiger: Nike said it best yall. “Just do it” . 
 

Happy New Year!

HOWL

My on-again, off-again lover is pissed with me. I'm thinking, as usual. It's always me who has some issue; shakes, rattles and rocks the bells. I'm not sure what it is about me that is never satisfied but I find that we are so different from one another I don't even see how we can even be together. Ultimately, trying to change who people fundamentally are just so they fit in your world is just an insult and also impossible.

Persistently trying to changing someone is different from growth - most times it just never takes and you end up frustrated till you do each other the favor and just walk away.

I just wish she would throw all her shit in the garbage and howl at the moon with me. I don't think it will ever happen though she's not as brave as I would like myself to be.

XDC HOWL - 9/14/2011 - Click to see larger

Hey, come on let go of the silly status-quo girlfriends and boyfriends. Let's put down our smart phones and RUN not walk AWAY from the "matrix". Let's all stop watching so much prime time TV, Dancing with the Stars and read books again and not on a NOOK either. Books, yeah - ones we can talk about the next day that will teach us how to plant, how to grow and how to do something other that what we've been doing day in and day out for the past 10 years. (*Thank you for my charmed and privileged life capitalism. I'm not bitter). Some of us are just so well-trained we should set an example for the rest of us. Yes the rest of us.

There are no constants baby and no guarantees. The only constant for me right now is putting in my 10,000-20,000 hours and getting better and better at "making" and thinking through process and connecting all kinds of dots and jumping fences and buying a motorcycle and riding it until it runs out of gas and then just walking and walking before another earthquake or tsunami messes things up and I love the idea of being free from everything and everyone one and letting go of judgments and criticism and expectation and rules about using "and" and run on sentences and talking to my ancestors and all I want to do is make work and make love and be love and be loved and eat something that's not from the industrial food system and sleep till i'm not tired and have a good time once in a while but the democrats and the republicans just keep fighting a fake war about bloody oil and expensive paradigms I don't understand or use and can't follow on the news because my attention span just can't grasp the bullshit on top of the bullshit that already exists in my head.

Le-sigh... I feel like, I sound - like I smoke pot - but I don't.

All I really want to do is be free. I'm still an animal. Here is the song if you're interested song and the lyrics

The First Day of School

Today was the first day of school. I think it went off way smoother than I expected. You see I waste too much time worrying about everything so inevitably I think things will be much more chaotic than they actually end up being. Past to the future circle fast - makes my head spin like Linda Blair. I think I must be throwing my life away worrying. I think, I think and then some more. I resist - I desire - I resist and then I desire some more. I stop and then I remember to "be" more present. I'm a beginner.

XDC 2006 Still Image from video project "Breakthrough Formula"

I'm dreaming of being "awake". Stopping myself I remember that I made a promise to kiss and hug my kids more. They are growing so fast. I promised to take my ma on a horse and buggy ride with her husband in Central Park. I remind myself that no matter how much my dad works my nerve sometimes I will respect him and his wife and still think he's cool. My sister, I'll be there for her too. I'm making sure to appreciate everything my former mother-in law does for me and my two children. Last but not least I try everyday to have patience with the ex. We are after all - human.


Small, simple moments wait patiently in line, each one precious, each one fragrant and worth inhaling deeply. I think of how much I miss my granny Flonnie Bell and am filled with melancholy. I like the sound of the word melancholy. I say it like the my dude in Megamind. He get's it. After the next moment I'm silent. I watch my "breakthrough formula" below and the blue sweet sadness leaves me again.  .

Tribute to the East Coast Earthquake 2011

This Tuesday I sat in the chair at my desk. The building where I am contracting is on Wall Street across the street from the East River. It was 1:51 p.m. ET. The chandeliers started rocking back and forth so I stood up and started pacing back and forth from the copy room back to my desk and then back to the copy room asking aloud, "Did any body feel that?".

I went back to sit down. I was shaking a little bit and the building shook some more under me too. This was my very first earthquake. (I can cross that off my bucket-list)

I kept shaking my head and nodding thinking about how unfortunate it was that the judgement day evangelist that used to stand over by the NYSE talking loud and handing out pamphlets picked the wrong set of months for their campaign to jump off. It could have been a major victory for them if they would have waited.

A voice over the building PA system asked us to go down the emergency stairwell and after what seemed like an eternity we were all herded off to a spot under a bridge that supports the FDR.

I'm not sure we really know what to do in case of an earthquake on this coast. I'm certain standing under a bridge is not one of them. I found this from the red cross - but I'm not all the way sure that's the way either. Still, it's better than nothing.

Thank YOU Mayor Bloomberg

After standing under the bridge for a few minutes I asked my manager if I could head home and I flipped common sense to the wind and hauled ass heading for the subway over by Brooklyn Bridge. I'm certain that's not the way to go in an extreme scenario but again, I don't have the right training and in that moment all I could think about was getting home to my family. The subway was sort of empty but running on or close to schedule like nothing happened and for that I thank the Mayor of NYC.

Is Mercury in retrograde?
My phone has been acting funny lately. It calls random people, sends emails and drafts phantom text messages. I was thinking it could be one of the following things: 1. Mercury could be in retrograde 2. the Po-Po is the monkey on my back or 3. Get some prep H because the sun is flaring up again.

I'm fascinated by the solar flares.

I felt lucky my BlackBerry was working at that particular moment, so I called my kids. They didn't feel the earth shake.


By Andrew Burton, Getty Images 8/23/2011
I struggle quite a bit with anxiety. NYC is just not that bulletproof. 911 still haunts me though I didn't even live here when it happened.

Shake it up-Sew it back:
I want to figure out a way to fix all that and every other crazy "happening" in the world. I want to make it better for me and the people standing outside those Jurassic buildings. I want to stop and hug a few of the people standing in front of the New York Stock Exchange smoking cigarettes and casually sipping their BPA Free Poland Spring water. They are all so patient and waiting so calmly for building maintenance departments to confirm that it's safe to go back in.

xdc - blueprint for repair 7/2011

Did I mention I was hauling ass? I don't know how to make this better either. I think about Haiti, Japan, Chile and I feel like a coward. I give the lady sitting across from me in the subway a thousand yard stare and wait hyper-vigilantly until all the passengers left on the train get off at the last stop.


When I get home I sew it in order to keep my self all-together now. *Watch this please - to the end - thanks.

xdc - Chair2. 8/2011

xdc - Chair1 7/2011